A lot has happened since my last post…

I don’t even know what I will text about, today something mayor it is worrying me, I look back, and see what worries I used to have, worries about posting or not , about the title of a Blog? really? are those really your problems? ( I know it wasn’t simple as that and there was a lot more to it, underneath it…)

But I feel that my worries today are a lot bigger…I have health problems and I feel like, I can not stop thinking about it, I would like to be able to rest my mind but I don’t feel I can. I am not able to soothe myself, to calm myself down, my mind is going on overdrive…

I The worse fears are tormenting my head, I have read too much on internet about my illness “anemia” now I am picturing in my head how my brain neurons are getting asphyxiated by the lack of oxygen and dying, I don’t even know if that’s how it happens, but it is a scary thought.

I also have feelings of blaming myself for not taking better care of myself or for engaging in risky behaviour’s in the past, it’s easy for me trying to understand why I did what I did and forgive myself, but another part of me my emotions and feelings , don’t want to forgive myself no matter how much I try to explain.

I am scared of not being able to cope, with illness, or bad news, I am worried that I won’t be able to function, if a big illness gets diagnosed.

I think I will need to get back to my old ways and return to the people with whom one day I decided to part with, but my life as a result ended up being quite empty and , worst come to worst I believe I should pedal back as I think I won’t be able to cope otherwise.

This doesn’t have to be truth, It’s only a thought… But thoughts are very scary things…

The truth is that it seems as if I don’t have trust in myself, as if I don’t think I can count on me, to be able to give myself peace, reassurance and that sense of control, and adult maturity to feel safe.

I think since I was a kid, my parent weren’t responsible adults, they would engage in toxic behaviours and I never fully trusted them. Now I don’t trust myself in the same way. I feel I won’t be able to cope, same as my father wasn’t able to cope with bad news and my mother always protected him from them. My mother was the caretaker or a bunch of people who was not able to care for themselves…She needed to have the caretaker role, was taken.

I was the one taken cared of by parents who were not taking care of themselves or us , in a spiritual, Wellbeing way, only caring about our physiological needs (food and warm).

I have the feeling that I let myself down, that I couldn’t properly take care of myself in the past and that I am not to be trusted in the future neither.

I feel that I need someone to take care of me and be co-dependent of…

I think I could work on this, in the relationship I have with myself, I could play the role of a responsable adult. Make myself feel like I am in control of things, and that the situation is not controlling me.

I could change the decoration of my room, make it more “adult like” , I could go back to the hairdresser, buy some adult like clothes, make some doctor appointments or check with the doctor, what are the possibilities.

I could make a plan to go back to work or not… make a plan of activities, of foods,